It’s August 2016. My first attempt at a blog post about music that I’m trying to make. I used to have a “real job”. I was a salesman, before that a laborer. I don’t do that anymore. Not since last month. I had always dreamed that I’d be in the music business in some form. I never really dove in with real effort. I would do cover songs and would be playing every weekend, whether I was in a band or solo. Through the years, the gig frequency started to dissolve and the reality of that being my main job seemed quite unrealistic. But around the time I was finishing up my last job, the regret of not trying to “go for it” was eating away at me on a daily basis. I felt like I was living a life that wasn’t meant for me. So I would assume that my resentment towards myself was catching up to me. But really, I was “half ass-ing” it. And I would go on & on to my wife about my unhappiness in my state of employment, and she would console me. This seemed to be happening incessantly for a few months. So after some real consideration & talks with my wife, I decided to try to write & finish songs that I’ve had in my back pocket for well over a decade. Snippets of ideas. My gal told me that this was the time to give it a shot. The worst that could happen was, I would go and get a job. That particular conversation happened on a Monday evening. The very next day, I woke up excited & kissed my lady “goodbye” as she was walking out the door to head to work. She said “it’s going to be great & you’re going to be so successful!”. I smiled, thanked her, and closed the door. I hit the couch and picked up my notepad. The feeling that came next was sickening!

 

All I could think for the couple of days was “I’m F&^5ed!!” I’ve got no job for immediate income & I don’t want to get caught up in the cycle of doing gigs as a cover artist. For me, doing covers felt like it set me up to subconsciously rip off other musicians when I would try to create my own songs. It was an agonizing few days after that was full of nothing but negative self talk & worry, worry, worry… I have to say that I have THE BEST WIFE EVER! She supported me & insisted that we we’re going to be fine NON-STOP. Thanks to anxiety & circumstances that shaped me, this self-belief would be the biggest battle of my life. At that time, I could not be left to my own devices without thinking that something horrible was going to happen to me. Every little pain or spasm would throw me into Doctor Google’s clutches and next thing I knew, I was coming down with every illness imaginable. You name it…. I was convinced that I would be the one to contract old diseases like Polio or whatnot. It was happening because I had too much time on my hands, and not enough self belief. This went on for a while, but became extremely dulled after a few weeks. What really helped was routine.

 

A few days later, a melody came into my head like most other times. I turned on the voice recorder on my phone & grabbed my guitar. I started singing “Some days I’m weary, Some days I’ll find, There’s no safe place to hide.”. Subsequently as usual, I followed along with scat words that would make you think I was having a stroke. “Some days are blah-blah, Some days blee-blee, Blah blah blah blue blee blee.”. I kept through it & worked out all of the progressions until I reached what seemed like an end of a new song. That moment was a turning point for me. It was like the universe/God listened to what I was saying & came in the room to help me write a song & started a fire! I said to myself, “That’s good for today” and left it alone to let it “marinate”. I had a lot of procrastination problems LOL.

 

The next day, I approached the song like I was already successful. I penned all of the words blindly & went into my studio to get it all down. I played every instrument and by the end of my wife’s workday, I had a song called “Some Days” for her to check out. The only explanation of what was going on in the recording studio with me is “unconscious working”. I had no idea what I was doing, but I somehow knew to just keep going & that it would be worth the effort. When my gal got home, I grabbed all of her things out of her hands & said “Come with me if you want to live”. I pressed play & she closed her eyes & started bobbing her head to the rhythm. I did the same until the song was over. That two seconds of silence after it ended felt like forever, but she looked at me with the biggest eyes and said “I LOVE IT!!” “The lyrics are great & the melody is great!” She said she was proud of me. I smiled and said “Awesome! Go ahead and get showered and we’ll go downstairs and watch a movie & celebrate with some beers.” She left the room.

 

I closed the door and gave it one more listen with my eyes closed. The last lyric of the last verse is “Some days are tragic, Some days will end, and Some days start again–I won’t give up/I won’t be still”. That line among others touched on what I was going through with the unemployment & uncertainty of my position then. I burst into tears. I had never felt that powerful before. Granted, the song is not a chart topping hit by today’s standards. But I was so proud. I spent the weeks before paranoid & expecting to lose my mind, my life. After a little bit of unconscious self-belief, I managed to write something decent & that I wasn’t embarrassed of letting others hear! This was monumental for me! Soon before this endeavor, I came to the conclusion that my neurosis was based on my lack of self-worth & self-belief. Sure, it might be hereditary, but I wasn’t helping by looking at myself like a waste of space. I posted the early version of the song on Facebook & gave it away free to anyone who would listen. The response was positive. I am extremely grateful for the positive people in my life & for those who believe in me. I think I’m starting to do something great. Something that I’m passionate about. Something that could reach people and give us the tools to make a great life for ourselves & our families. Onward & upward! 🙂

 

ZK

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