I did it! The album’s recordings are finished! The album will be titled “Bargain For Better”. I just have to finish the album art and some final mixing/mastering touch-ups to get it to sound good on any stereo system/device. It was over a year of writing, producing, and learning everything that it takes to do practically every task that’s involved in the record business. Granted, I’m a master of none of them, but I’m proud that I’ve even made it this far!
It’s taking so long because I literally have done everything on my own. I could have spent major money(that I don’t have) on guidance/assistance, but I’ve craved to see myself succeed in that manner. I’ve spent too long picking this heart to pieces. I refuse to keep looking back after decades and feeling like I’ve only been “living” at glass half empty. Which feels like being trapped in my head more than what is in front of me. I want to be glass half full, and eventually filled to the brim. I need it.. I don’t measure it by financial success or for fame, because I don’t want that. I want to stay married to the same woman until I die, without compromising my personal life with what being a successful musician appears to be to most. That’s why I felt like I had to create my own road for this venture to work right. My own record label, my own production, my own website, and my own everything. It’s the dream of many, and much like starting your own contstruction business or opening a store. If it doesn’t pay the bills, at least I tried with every part of me.
Having battled depression/anxiety and other issues that can kill your spirit have made everything THAT MUCH HARDER, but the feeling of seeing something through is a powerful feeling! Everyone deserves to feel that! It was/is too easy to spend most of the time practicing the art of self-deprecation. I would record songs, then I’d immediately pick them apart. This is no different than pretty much 80% of everything else in my life. At any moment, what seems good can flip into something that seems scary and not “the right move”. The only things I’m sure of are the people I love and the kind people that I try to surround myself with. I’m glad that I don’t have the thickest of skins. I’m more grateful for it.
After finishing enough good songs that would fill up two albums, I’m going with a certain direction for the first album. Being as blunt as possible, this album is for those who go through some of the same hurt that I do. The agony of loss, of not having self-worth at times, and many other issues related to being in emotional pain. I would joke many times during these last few months and say “After this album, I’m only writing about Boobies & Sunshine!“.
That’s not a complete lie/joke… It hurts to dig deep, but it also hurts to share the results of that excavation with anyone & everyone in the world. But that is what makes music so amazing! The ultimate paradox, in my opinion. You can truly pick your poison. I know that there will be critics that don’t jive with what I’m putting out there. But to truly attempt anything without regrets, it has to be done with 100% of your heart. I have put that in this record. Even the songs on “Bargain For Better” that have an upbeat tone, are still lyrically provoking the pain of being different or being let down. For pretty much 90% of the album, I have had to forget about the songs for as long as possible and walk away. I couldn’t appreciate what I wrote because of how hard I am on myself. But in all honesty, I am already starting to look back with pride and relief for getting them finished and out. I’m really looking forward to putting this music out into the fray that isn’t all about what’s in my medicine cabinet, the good looking people of the world, or what I like to get drunk on every day…
Most of all, I am just grateful to show others out there that you don’t always need a formal education to pursue your passion. You only need to believe in yourself, though that is the hardest thing at times. You need to see yourself in that light. Funny, for a while now I close my eyes and envision myself singing these songs in a quiet, dimly-lit place to people who are there to listen to it. It’s not always the case with many places that a musician plays out at. But in my head, people are there and they’re telling me that this song I sang really touched them and that they are glad that I’m around. And I’m telling them that I’m glad that they are around too♥